The Legend of Zelda: Macaroni of Time
by ShadowReaper
Summary: A zelda rewrite.......read it.....
1. Default Chapter

Chapter 1  
  
Note: I do not own any Zelda games or characters from them or Nintendo. Other Note: This is a Zelda rewrite. This will not be exact in every way, like what the characters say and do. I may even add my own made-up characters. This is a fanfic after all, so I do what I want.  
  
Deku Tree: Navi..I am old and sick and dieing.look my wang is all wrinkly.  
  
Navi: I didn't need to see or know that.and since when do trees have wangs?  
  
Deku Tree: I dunno.either way I'm dieing. Go to the boy without a fairy and bring him here. He is the only one who can lift this curse.  
  
Navi: Yeah yeah. (flies away)  
  
(Navi makes it to link's house)  
  
Link: zZzZzZzZz  
  
Navi: Wake up.  
  
Link: zZzZzZzZz  
  
Navi: WAKE UP YOU DAMN BUM!!!  
  
Link: AHHH!!! (wakes up) STUPID FIREFLY! (starts attacking her with a fly- swatter)  
  
Navi: I'm not a firefly, I'm fairy! The Deku Tree sent me!  
  
Link: Who?  
  
Navi: You know! That big-ass old tree in the clearing.  
  
Link: The one with the wrinkly wang?  
  
Navi:..yes..he wants you to go see him.  
  
Link: Oookay.  
  
(outside links house)  
  
Saria: Hey Link!  
  
Link: (thinking) God, what does that bitch want now? Doesn't she have any other friends?  
  
Saria: You finally got a fairy, good for you!  
  
Link:...that's all?...you don't have anything else to tell me...  
  
Saria: Nope.  
  
Link. (thinking) I'm gonna stab her to death then bury her body in the woods..  
  
(links walks to where Mido is blocking him)  
  
Link: Move.  
  
Mido: Why would the great deku tree summon you instead of me!? I'm not letting you pass until you have a sword and shield!  
  
Link: 1. Because you're a stuck up little bastard. 2. I already have a sword and shield.  
  
Mido: Oh.(moves out of the way)  
  
(Links proceeds to the deku tree)  
  
Deku Tree: Greetings boy-without-a-fairy.  
  
Link: I have fairy, look she's hovering around me annoyingly.  
  
Deku: Ok then boy-with-a-fairy.  
  
Link: My names Link.  
  
Deku: Listen boy-with-a-fairy. A very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, man has cast a curse on me. Now I'm infested with large, mutated wood ants. You must stop this curse. (opening appears)  
  
Link: Do I have to go through.there?  
  
Deku: Yes.  
  
Link: God.  
  
(Inside the Deku Tree)  
  
Link: Never. Never again.  
  
Navi: Look at that webbing on the floor! I bet if you jumped from all the way up there you could break through.  
  
Link: Hell no! That's ****ing suicidal. I'm just gonna cut through it my knife.  
  
Navi: That's the kokiri "sword".  
  
Link: No better than a knife. I mean I do more damage with a big stick.  
  
(Link cuts through and jumps down, then goes on through the dungeon. Blah blah, stab this, flame that until he reaches the boss chamber)  
  
Link: (hears noise) Where the hell is that coming from. (looks at ceiling, Queen Ghoma drops down) Shit.  
  
Queen Ghoma comes at link, link throw a deku nut and it goes a crazy-like. Link does the same thing.  
  
Navi: What are you doing!?  
  
Link: Those deku nuts give seizures!  
  
After half an hour of fighting link gets tired.  
  
Link: Screw this! (Takes out a minigun and start pumping queen ghoma full of lead)  
  
Ghoma dies and link gets his heart piece. He exits through magical blue light.  
  
Deku: Thank you, but what you did was futile, I was screwed from the beginning.  
  
Link: THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU SEND ME IN THERE!?  
  
Deku: Huh, good question. Either way take this. This is the macaroni of time. When put together with the pot of time and the cheese sauce of time you can enter the realm of really-powerful-stuff and stop that very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, man from ruling the world. Goodbye...boy-with-a-fairy. (dies)  
  
Link: My name's link damnit! LINK!!  
  
(link leaves and Mido is there)  
  
Mido: You killed the great deku tree!  
  
Link: How would you know that?  
  
Mido: How do I not?  
  
Link: They were killed by mutated evil wood ants.  
  
Mido: Prove it!  
  
Link points behind him and a ghoma the size of the queen grabes Mido and runs off.  
  
Mido: AHHHHHHhhhhhhh!!!  
  
Link enters the bridge leaving kokiri forest.  
  
Saria: So you're leaving.  
  
Link: (thinking) Damnit! Out of all the people.  
  
Saria: Take this along with you. (gives him a flute resembling a spoon)  
  
Link: What the hell is this?  
  
Saria: I carved it myself from a large spoon.  
  
Link runs because he can't take her anymore.  
  
(In hyrule field)  
  
Owl: Hey link!  
  
Link: What now.  
  
Owl: I'm an annoying person that appears randomly to give you useless advice! (flies off. A gunshot is heard and the owl falls dad from the sky)  
  
Please R&R. 


	2. Chapter 2: Hyrule Castle

Chapter 2  
  
(Link has just entered Hyrule field)  
  
Link: Waitwait, where the hell am I supposed to go?  
  
Navi: You think I know?  
  
Link: Wasn't that tree-dude supposed to tell me where to go?  
  
Navi: Yeah...but he was too worried about his wang...(Link start walking) Where are you goin!?  
  
Link: To Hyrule castle.  
  
Navi: Why?  
  
Link: To mug the royalty.  
  
Navi: (Thinking) What was he thinking when he assigned the task to him.  
  
(Link makes it to the gate, then it suddenly turns night and the gate closes)  
  
Link: What the ****?  
  
(The dead zombie kid things come out of the ground) [been so long since I've played, I've forgotten most of the creatures]  
  
Dead Zombie Thing1: We love you!  
  
Dead Zombie Thing2: Give us a hug!  
  
Link: AHHH!!! UNDEAD TELETUBBIES!!!  
  
(Link runs in fear)  
  
(After the night is over links enters the gate and starts towards the castle)  
  
Malon: Hey! You're a fairy boy!  
  
Link: Yeah...hi...  
  
Malon: (hands Link an egg) I have a favor to ask. My lazy-ass bum for a father went to the castle to deliver milk. He probably fell asleep AGAIN. When this thing hatches use it to wake up my father.  
  
Link: How did you know that I'm going to the castle?  
  
Malon: (takes out stapled paper) It says it in the script.  
  
Link: There's a script?  
  
Malon: Bye! (runs off)  
  
(Link climbs the vines, runs across, and jumps down. He gets caught by a guard)  
  
Navi: Link, you suck at stealth.  
  
Link: I'm a ****ing kid, not a stealth agent. And did the guard have to stab me! (rubs butt)  
  
Guard: No, it turns me on sexually when somebody is stabbed in the ass.  
  
Link:....…that's just sick...  
  
(Link leaves to the town square)  
  
Link: How am I supposed get in there?  
  
Mareg: Greetings young one.  
  
(I have read a hilarious Grandia 2 rewrite and I can't resist putting Mareg in this. The author's pen name is BlackHeart)  
  
Link: What the hell? What are you doing here?  
  
Mareg: A dimensional portal opened and creatures from many other games have come here.  
  
(An undead crypt lord moves by)  
  
Mareg: Remember, the rabid pelican only spreads disease through diarrhea. Now then, I must be going. Garziggazar! (runs off) BLIZZAGA!!!  
  
Navi: What did he say...and blizzaga is a final fantasy move…  
  
Link: That makes perfect sense!  
  
Navi: Say what?  
  
(Minutes later Link is feeding many beans to a pelican that is foaming at the mouth. He sets it free and it flies over the field with the guard, pooping every 2 seconds. The guards immediately die from a new plague)  
  
Navi: That's disgusting.  
  
Link: Well, it works!  
  
(Link proceeds to where Talon is sleeping)[The egg hatched]  
  
(Links takes the kuko out and it caws, Talon still sleeps)  
  
Link: Hmmm...  
  
(Links kicks Talon hard in the head)  
  
Talon: AHHH! My ass!  
  
Link: (stares at Talon for a bit then chooses to ignore what he said) You daughter sent me to get your ass up.  
  
Talon: Malon! Shit! She's gonna bitch-slap me so much when I get back!  
  
Link: (sweatdrop)  
  
(Talon runs off and link get in the castle through the waterway. When he gets inside he hides behind some bushes and listens to the guards talking)  
  
Guard1: I'm on guard duty.  
  
Guard2: Yeah, we all are dumbass.  
  
Guard3: Look at him go! (points to guard 4)  
  
Guard4: Woo! (spins in a circle on his head really fast)  
  
Guard5: (thinking) The fools. Their foolish foolishness will be the demise of them.  
  
Guard6: I like cheese!  
  
Guard7: (Mareg in disguise) When there is no gravity, leaves will fall up, and children will learn to make acid with their nipples.  
  
Guard8: HE'S TALKING ABOUT NIPPLES!! GET HIM!!! (Tackles Mareg)  
  
Guard9: Mommy! Where are you! MOMMY!  
  
Guard10: Chaos will reign!  
  
Guard11: (doesn't have a head) Hey...where'd my head go?  
  
Guard12: Weeowmeghthyeafdadgda.  
  
Guard13: (is batman) How did I end up doing work here...  
  
Navi: How do we get past them?  
  
Link: I have a plan.  
  
(Link throws a deku nut over the bush, all the guards begin to have seizures, Link then proceeds to where princess Zelda is)  
  
Princess Zelda: Blah blah, dream, evil person, triforce. Got it?  
  
Link: Yuppers.  
  
(Links learns the stupid song before leaving)  
  
Navi: Now where do we go?  
  
Link: To the town near the mountain, I'm getting some booze. 


	3. The Morons

Chapter 3  
  
(Link made it to the town and did just what he said, got stoned on booze!)  
  
Link: Puh. Those dragons were nothing. I put their tail in my mouth and made their eyeballs fall out. Then I slapped them in the face with my big wang.  
  
Navi: You never fought any dragon! And you wouldn't have a wang if you really slapped them on the face with it!  
  
Guy: Gafoo!  
  
Link: Hmmph?  
  
Navi: It's hopeless.  
  
Link: What is?  
  
Navi: What do you think?  
  
Link: Creating a mutant breed of worms that will destroy the world.  
  
Navi: (sighs) Yes Link.  
  
Link: See. Now then, lets get moving!  
  
Navi: Are you sober?  
  
Link: Am I still humping that table leg?  
  
(They proceed to the gate where 2 guards are standing there)  
  
Guard1: Here comes a little boy.  
  
Guard2: Where? I can't see anything from under this hat!  
  
Guard1: Right in front of you dip shit! Take it off if you can't see!  
  
Guard2: I can't take it off! It's permanently welded to my skull!  
  
Guard1:.how did that happen?..  
  
Guard2: An unfortunate smelting accident.  
  
Guard1: Should we let him pass?  
  
Gaurd2: I don't care.  
  
Gaurd1: I think I'll be a jerk and not let him pass until he does something.  
  
Guard2: Whatever.  
  
(Link looks at them like their insane, Link was standing right in front of them listening the whole time)  
  
Guy: GBHFRAEG!  
  
Link: I need to pass.  
  
Guard1: First you need to do something for me.  
  
Link: What? I didn't even show you the letter allowing me to pass.  
  
Navi: I never saw her give you the letter.  
  
Link: (takes it out) Well she did.  
  
Navi: BUT I WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME!!!  
  
Link: Well, if you'd stop staring at those porno picks you keep under my hat.  
  
Guard1: Can you please go to the pansy mask shop that just opened in hyrule castle town square? I-My kid has been wanting the mask of a fox creature that looks like a Chinese pikachu.  
  
Choice:  
  
I'll do it.  
  
I'm too busy.  
  
Kick him in the nuts then slip through the bars.  
  
(Link kicks the guard hard them slips through the bars and runs up the trail_  
  
Guard1: Owww.  
  
Guard2: It's your own damn fault.  
  
(Link begins climbing the trail up to the goron city. One of the large red spider-things jumps at him)  
  
Link: Could this be any easier?  
  
(Link holds his sword up and it impales upon it. Link falls on his back)  
  
Link: Ha!  
  
(Thousands of very small spiders-creatures come out of the hole and start biting Link)  
  
Link: AHHHHHHH!!!!!! SHIT!!!!!!!!! 9234611298747260!!!!!  
  
(Later, near the top of the mountain)  
  
(Link is very red and lumpy)  
  
Navi: Link.how are you going to save the world if you lose to tiny bugs.  
  
Link: Shut.up.  
  
(A goron stops in front of Link)  
  
Link: What the hell is that? It looks like that tree's wang!  
  
Goron: I'm a moron!  
  
Link: That much is obvious.  
  
Navi: Aren't you people called the "gorons"?  
  
Goron: I'm a moron! (starts bashing his own head in with a rock, that turns out to be a armadillo)  
  
Armadillo: (Thinking) This is the 8th time I'm being used as a suicide weapon.  
  
Guy: KAKAFALAI!!!  
  
(Link proceeds into the city, there are many gorons acting like.well morons.)  
  
Goron1: EEHEEEHEEHEE!  
  
Goron2: MWAHAAHAAHAA!  
  
Goron3: MWEHEHEHAHA!  
  
Goron4: WEINER!!!  
  
Goron5: BOOTOX!!  
  
Goron6: (Sitting in a chair wearing a white coat with chemicals in test tubes on a desk) I say, am I the only one not babbling like an idiot?  
  
Batman: It's amazing where I pop up. (Gets hit by a rolling Goron)  
  
Link: (sweatdrop) My god.  
  
Navi: It seems they've a racial drop in intelligence.  
  
(Link walks to the bottom level and stands in front of the large stone door. He looks at the rug and it has "STOP STANDING ON ME!!!" written on it. He plays the song and the door opens. Link proceeds inside)  
  
[Once again I've forgotten the name, so I'm gonna call him Daruin]  
  
Daruin: That ****!? Who the **** is there!?  
  
Link: Are you mad or something? You cuss a lot.  
  
Daruin: Shut the **** up and tell me why you're in here!  
  
Link: I need the pot of time.  
  
Daruin: (takes a tranquilizer) Ok. I'll give to you, only if you kill the dodongos in a cave nearby.  
  
Link: This can never be easy.  
  
(Link leaves and blows away the boulder blocking the cave. Then he enters. Link then goes through the dungeon, which I shall summarize in a few words. Stab, stab, slash, blow up, stab, and fall. On with the boss fight!)  
  
King Dodongo: Hahaha! Watch me role! (starts rolling at Link)  
  
Link: Out of all the things to do, he rolls! (starts running)  
  
Guy: I HAVE TURKEY-MONKEYS!!!  
  
King Dodongo: WHERE!? I LOVE THOSE THINGS! (rolls into the lava) Shit.  
  
(King D. starts sinking in the lava, a farting noise is heard and a large burst of flame and lava come flying up, then the lava cools, Link gets the heart container, and he exits through the light. Outside Daruin is waiting for him with other morons)  
  
Link: Deh hell? What are you all doing here? Daruin: Ok, now I'm going to gibe you the pot, and we will be brothers.  
  
Link: Brothers?  
  
(Link takes the pot of time)  
  
Daruin: Now for a big hug!!  
  
(Daruin gets link and hugs him, cracking sounds are heard)  
  
Link: My.spine.. 


	4. Trip up the river

Chapter 4  
  
Link has just entered the river place. (I would have started playing the game again but I've been playing Armored Core 3 and AvP: Extinction so much...)  
  
Navi: How did you know to come here?  
  
Link: The author god told me.  
  
Navi: Eh?  
  
Link: Him. (points to...me! ShadowReaper! I am fairly tall, with black/brown spiked hair, black clothes, boots, gloves, black cape, and a black clothe covering my mouth and nose. This is only what I want myself to look like in my little world. Geebergiber!)  
  
Navi: The hell is that?  
  
Link: The author god.  
  
SR: Yup. I control you every action, thought, and feeling. I am the one writing this, therefore I am god to you. YOU WILL WORSHIP ME OR BURN!!! Anyway, see you later! (spreads demon wings and flies off)  
  
Navi: Right...  
  
Link walks towards the wall of boulders.  
  
Owl: Hey Link!  
  
Link: Not again...  
  
Owl: Time for some pointless information! Press the B button to swing your sword. Move the control stick in different directions to move. Well, I'm off!  
  
(The owl flies off, only to be seen eaten by a dragon)  
  
Link: Hmm...not much happening this chapter...  
  
Navi: Yet...  
  
Guy: Yeah I know.  
  
Mareg: The world is doomed when giant combat robots grow gerbils for nose hair!  
  
Gannon: Yes! Mwahahahhahaahhahhhahhah!!! (gallops off on his horse)  
  
Link: Damnit! You just had to give him idea didn't you Mareg! I have to hurry! (starts running up the river trail. Part way up he is hit in the nuts with a rock those octo creatures spit at you. Link layed there for about half an hour, then he went to sleep. While he slept the ghoma ran by with Mido)  
  
Mido: PLLLLLLLEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSEEEE!!! HELP ME!!! HE THINKS I'M A FEMALE!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo.......  
  
(The next morning Link wakes up)  
  
Link: (yawns) Good morning Navi....Navi?  
  
(Inside of a fish)  
  
Navi: Digestive juices! It burrrrrrnnnnnnsssss!  
  
Link: W00T!!! She's gone!  
  
(Link proceeds to the waterfall)  
  
Link: Ok. Now where the hell do I go?  
  
(Silence)  
  
Link: Now where the hell do I go?  
  
(Silence)  
  
Link: Damnit SR, help me here! You made me an idiot so help me out!  
  
(SR appears from nowhere)  
  
SR: I know you're an idiot, that's why I gave you a strategy guide.  
  
Link: That was a strategy guide? I used it as toilet paper.  
  
(Silence)  
  
SR: You mean to tell me you made it this far without using the guide?  
  
Link: Yup.  
  
(Silence)  
  
Link: What's up with all the silence?  
  
SR: (shrugs) Well I've wasted enough time. Play Zelda's lullaby and the waterfall will let up a bit to reveal a passage. (vanishes)  
  
Link: Meh. (plays song on the spoon-shaped ocarana)  
  
The passage to the Zora's domain opens. Link enters.  
  
Link: Who are these people?  
  
Zora: We are zora.  
  
{Hmmm...I'm having a bit of trouble thinking of something funny about the zora...}  
  
Link: (waves hand in front of nose) No wonder it smelled like rotting fish. I mean you guys aren't even dead and you smell like dead fish. Try pouring some soap in that water here or at least use lysol, jeeze!  
  
Zora: Right...what business brings you here?  
  
Link: I need the cheese sauce of time. Where can I get it sushi?  
  
Zora: My name is not sushi, and our leader, King Zora, holds it.  
  
Link: Thanks Sushi. (walks off)  
  
{Thx to my friend JSG for helping me with the ideas}  
  
(At King Zora)  
  
Link: Jesus Christ you're a fat ass. I mean you musn't move at all to get that big! Your legs can't even support you!  
  
KZ(King Zora) : (eats nonstop) MMMph. Delicious pork, potato chips, bacon!  
  
Link: Do you even hear me?  
  
Guy: Blub blub blub!  
  
KZ: MMMMM. Urgh...NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! MY FOODS GONE!!! FEEEEEEEEEEZEEEEEEEEEERN!!!!  
  
Link: (takes out a bag of ruffles) Lookie at what I got!  
  
KZ: Name your price.  
  
Link: The cheese sauce of time.  
  
KZ: Done!  
  
(They trade off)  
  
Link: Well, I did that quickly and without a stupid boss fight! ^_^  
  
{Well, there was an unexpected ending to the chapter} 


End file.
